Welcome to the Birmingham Backline – where if it’s your first time reading our site – we are the authority on all things footy in the Magic City. Nobody – and I mean absolutely no one – does Birmingham Hammers coverage like us. So glad you found us. Tell a friend or two about us in 2017! (Look at me – I just gave you a resolution that you can actually accomplish… you’re welcome!)

As I sit around watching the dreadful college football Bowl season, I thought I’d put together a fun little tongue-in-cheek post for you guys. I hope no one is (too) offended.

The premise: what if the NPSL Southeastern Conference Teams were celebrities… who would they be? This is deep-thinking stuff, you know? 

In case you were wondering, yes, you can expect this kind of top-notch journalistic class all year long from us. So go ahead and add our site to your list of favorites and feel free to join in on the conversation below in the comment section. Better yet, be a good soccer fan and follows us on Twitter (@bhambackline) or the Facebook (Birmingham Backline) page. Happy New Year! Cheers!

Now onto the reason you are here: the NPSL Southeastern Teams as Celebrities: 

1. Birmingham Hammers – This team has been around a couple of years. It is starting to make a splash with a new coach and a bright outlook for 2017. They’ve definitely had a hit or two (see 2016 I-65 Cup and whatever the derby is called with Memphis City), but they aren’t “Hollywood Royalty” just yet. But I think this team is here to stay. They play on a field that kind of seems like they need permission from the local Parks and Recreation board each Saturday – yes. I’m talking about none other than Chris Pratt! Old Andy Dwyer never gets old. Check him out:

Best Chris Pratt quote for the Birmingham Hammers: “I don’t know. Seems a little crazy… just crazy enough to work.”

2. Memphis City FC – Like Birmingham, 2016 was MCFC’s first official season in the NPSL. But unlike the Hammers, MCFC’s celebrity equivalent has been around the block a little longer. He has starred in a major blockbuster – kind of like MCFC making the championship match of the NPSL southeast conference last year. But let’s be real: MCFC is trying a little too hard to look legitimate, no? I mean, the Rouge Squadron leader wears a Star Wars helmet to the soccer matches… what is that? Is he like a mascot?  We get it Memphis – you guys are as cool as Nashville. Anyways – MCFC’s is the one, the only, Keanu Reeves. Check out some of his best (over) acting:

Best Keanu Reeves quote for MCFC: “Lose! I don’t lose! I win!” (Keep telling yourself that MCFC)

3. Chattanooga FC – The class of the NPSL, right? These guys are perennial playoff contenders. They’ve been to the big game (not the conference championship – I’m talking the league championship!) several times. But they always come up a little short. CFC’s celebrity is similar… he has never won Best Actor at the Academy Awards. He has taken home Best Supporting Actor though. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t Hollywood Royalty. He most certainly is – and like CFC, he knows it. CFC and their actor absolutely know how good they are, and they don’t mind telling you about it. There is an air smugness about the the club and the actor. CFC – not all that different from George Clooney, am I right?

Best George Clooney Quote for CFC: “Oscar-winner, George Clooney. Sexiest Man Alive 1997.” (Go on CFC – tell us more about the NPSL Final in 2015.)

4. New Orleans Jesters – New Orleans is different. This club is on a figurative island in the NPSL Southeast Conference. They are known as the bad boys of the conference, led by a supporters group that likes to intimidate their opponents. They made the conference playoffs last year, and have had some success throughout the past several years. But they’ve also had many lows. And like the team, the Jesters’ celebrity has seen the peaks and the valleys of his profession (mainly the latter recently). Their celebrity lives in France and is known for being a bit of a Bad Boy as well. Yes – the New Orleans Jesters are Johnny Depp.

Best Johnny Depp Quote for CFC: “You want to know the secret to winning? Creative Sportsmanship.” (Oh New Orleans – never change.)

5. Knoxville Force –  The Force can be such a hit or miss club. They will win big on the road in Birmingham one week, and the next they will fall to Nashville at home. Makes no sense if you ask me. But I guess their overriding characteristic is their location. So they have two options:

Options A – Steve Buscemi

Option B – Crazy banjo-toting kid from Deliverance

Best Steve Buscemi quote for the Knoxville Force: “Don’t worry about what happened. Time heals all things… except for these crazy eyes.”

6. Inter Nashville – A new team to the NPSL in 2017, Inter Nashville is replacing the USL-departed Nashville FC. Hey, remember when Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth in Van Halen?  How did that go? Well there you go Inter Nashville – you are the Sammy Hagar of the conference. Good for you. And good luck. (Honestly, I think I am giving too much credit to both Nashville FC and Inter Nashville.)

Best Sammy Hagar Quote for Inter Nashville: “All I know, You’ve got to run to win.” (Enjoy getting run over in 2017 that is…)